Wednesday, September 4, 2013

To Be or Not To Be

  For the first time ever, I feel my age.  All of my life I have always been told that I don't look my age.  Therefore, I really don't act my age because apparently I missed the manual on "How to Act Your Age."  Yesterday at the OB's office, I felt my age.  No matter how healthy I am, I can not get around the fact that I am 38 years old.  I am over 35 and that puts me at high risk.  I also learned that 40 gives me a 50/50 chance (that is less than two years away).
  Pat and I went to the appointment excited only to quickly have it stomped out during the ultrasound.  The US tech was very nice as she explained that the embryo was very tiny and had stopped developing for a while.  She also could not find a heartbeat.  We then got to speak with the nurse practitioner that explained that I will miscarry more than likely, but if not, they will perform a D&C (suck & scrape apparently).  So now I am walking around waiting to miscarry.  Half hoping I do so I don't have to go through the procedure, but also not knowing when it will happen, and if it starts at work, can I keep it together or will the cramps be more than I can cover.
    Being a Christian, it would be really easy to get mad at God over this.  Especially since I still feel that he spoke those words to me (see previous blog post).  Thankfully, I am a little stronger in my faith than I was several years ago when we lost one of her dogs very traumatically (I quit speaking to Him for about 6 months because after having to put so many pets down in a 1.5 year span, I had begged Him not to let us have to do that with Clay.  We had to put Clay down.).  Honestly though, I am really ticked off at Him, but that's what happens.  You get ticked off at family.  Ticked off at friends.  Why should getting ticked off at God be any different.  Besides, I figure He is big enough to handle my anger.
  I've wondered if Sarah had a miscarriage before she had Isaac.  I felt like Hannah at times yesterday especially sitting there waiting to go back to see the NP and looking at all of the round bellies around us.  Instead, I told Pat I needed some alone time and headed into the woods behind our house with my Ipod and did my best to praise Him.  I went through all of the questions with Him.  Why?  How come you let this happen?  What is the purpose of us going through this?  Why again?  It took about an hour but I was able to finally praise Him.
  I don't know what is going to happen.  Did I hear Him or was it a figment of my imagination?  I guess in the spring if I am without a baby, then you could say it was me or I can choose to believe that His plan has changed for Pat and me.  (And I know for non believers, that statement makes you feel that believers are wishy washy.  All I can say is sorry.  If you are right, then we all die and that is it.  Nothing, nada, zilch.  But if I am right, then it saddens me more than our loss yesterday and more than you know.  ~off my soap box now)   Although, I am sad and we are grieving just like anyone would during a loss, I am still choosing to believe.  I am also choosing to go back to the way it was before.  (Although, before I thought I couldn't get pregnant- not sure knowing now that I can is easier or harder.)  If it happens, awesome.  If it doesn't, awesome.  I told my mom this morning that my life is already pretty dang complete.  A kid would just be icing on the cake in our lives.  But I also love cheesecake and it doesn't have icing.  At least I can run a mile with Pat (at least until the bleeding starts).  And I have been married to my best friend for almost 14 years now and he is my rock and I know that the two of us together are stronger than apart.
  He never said it would be easy but I am so blessed that I can't complain.  Also, knowing that my age makes it more normal to miscarry the first time, makes it somewhat easier to accept.  Somewhat....
  I can't speak for Pat, but I feel like I am back running Vol State with all of the highs and lows lately and now the really low.  Not a very nice DNF if you ask me.  But as one of my mentors stated in a post last year, "What goes down, must come up."
  So that is where we are, in a holding pattern.  Waiting for the miscarriage to happen so that we can get a little bit of normalcy back into our lives.  I have several races lines up still for the fall and I am taking them as we get to them (I already had to DNS at the Bloody 11W).  I have another visit at the OB next week to determine if they will need to do a D&C instead.   We still have our four legged family.  Pat and I are both looking forward to getting back to practicing.  I mean really, isn't the old saying, "Practice makes Perfect."  And we are laughing.  We will still grieve, but we will be fine.  We love each other and we have the best family and friends around.  What is not blessed about that???

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